Everything is shit. It’s becoming so hard to stay any sort of positive. I don’t have a job, and it’s my own damn fault. I did something stupid and now I don’t have a job. I had an awesome job, even if it was boring. I’ve been sending out applications, and resumes for 3 months now. At least 40 places. I’ve been on a number of interviews. All but one went well. But didn’t result in a job. One I was just so stressed and scattered about, that I just.. fail. My mind went blank pretty much after every question she asked, and it was really a waste of time for her, so no surprise when I got an email the same day saying they were going to interview other people. The best thing that has happened so far is that I kinda have a job with UPS. It’s seasonal temporary work. All I had to do was show up, lol.
Awesome right? I haven’t started yet. UGHSLDJLKJDJlj Went Wednesday to my appointment, which was a group narrowing down session, went the next day to training, which was 3 hours of how to defend yourself from a dog. lol. They didn’t need anyone and no one called today, so they said we should hear from them Monday, but if I don’t, I’m fucked. I mean, the money isn’t enough anyway, but it’s something. I might have an interview on Wednesday too. For the company I bombed the interview with, so it must be with someone else. Or at least I hope so. Trying to keep my fingers crossed, and positive. Even as far behind as I’m falling.
So there’s that. And then there’s boy. He. Is makin me crazy. I don’t know what is going on. Everytime things go smooth for a few days, I fuck it up. We’ll hang out, and it will be great. We’ll talk and joke, and usually just watch a movie, and have something to eat. Since, that’s kinda what we do. And that’s fine. I enjoy it. But. I want more? I want affection. I want to feel loved. I want a kiss when I lean for one, and to not be worried that I’m going to get rejected for it. I want to have an arm around me when I lay next to him, or when my head is on his chest. When I say I miss you, I wanna hear it back. I miss the affection part. The part where we have sex instead of fuck. So I feel stupid for being around, I feel stupid for expecting anything to change, and I end up saying something to try and figure out what is going on, and we end up pretty much breaking up every time. Which, is not what I want at all, and it seems that he wants to work it out too, but neither one of us knows how to fix it.
I feel like he is so closed off, and won’t talk to me, which makes me wanna scream. If you feel the need to not tell me something, or give me one word answers about anything I try to talk to you about, why? why? the fuck would I bother? what’s the point? either you’re hiding something, or, you’re hiding something. i mean really? it might not even be anything worth hiding, but it’s something. or you think I’m going to react somehow that you wouldn’t like. hey guess what, I’m probably not going to react how you think. I haven’t so far, have I? I’ve been an adult, and I’ve been open and honest.
I haven’t even started yelling yet. I’m obviously not the same person I used to be. Maybe I should. Just start screaming next time. Not think at all about what I’m about to say, and just start shouting nonsense. It’s probably the only thing I haven’t tried at this point. Screaming and throwing things.
The closest I got to any type of explanation was today. He finally told me, to make it really short, feels like shit, because he thinks he should, but he feels even more like shit because he’s not upset enough.
Strangely enough, I’ve been there. And I realized I’m about as apathetic as I can be when it comes to things I’ve done to other people. (Fuck you. BTW ) So if that’s really what’s getting to him, then.. really? All this, for that?
The only part of the conversation that blew my mind, and did actually tweak pangs of anger, was he said that he felt bad because he has spent so much time with kate, that she is jealous of him hanging out with me. Now. being a text message, some part of that may have been lost in translation, but thats word for word. soooo.. yeah. To which I say. YEAH? (I can have her killed too.)
That makes about as much sense as if I had been hanging out with Danielle a lot, and I got pissed because she wanted to hang out with Wade, and for her to be like.. oh god, I’m upsetting her by hanging out with someone else. Even if it is ya know, just my fiancé.
If that’s really the case, then that’s an issue. But hey, you didn’t give a shit when I was upset because you were with her constantly. And not there for me. That didn’t seem to faze you at all, you actually got really shitty with me about it.
I understand about why he feels bad about lori. That at least makes sense. He managed to let her think they were together, which led to her kid thinking so, and now she wont talk to him.. So that means they hung out, and had sex. And her being a girl, thought it meant more than it did. That’s what we do. To which I say, thanks for breaking up with me first. She started all of this fucking bullshit, and If i ever meet her, she better watch her fucking kneecaps.
So. Yes. Now that I ranted about it, thought about it a little, I AM PISSED AT YOU.
And yet. It really wouldn’t take much for you to change that. Not much at all. After all of this bullshit, I still want to be with you, I’m still ready to burn the world with you. You’re all I think about.. We may not give a shit about any one or anything, but we did about each other, and we did it together.