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Hello [Sep. 18th, 2011|10:38 am]
Hello? Is there anyone out there? Just comment if you can hear me.
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Shop my AVON store! [Aug. 1st, 2011|11:09 pm]
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none. really. [Jan. 18th, 2011|01:40 am]
maybe i should post here more often to work out the things in my head, so i'm less neurotic.
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know me so well.. hah [Dec. 14th, 2009|02:56 pm]

Someone today posted that my dream celebrity partner is Tim Armstrong, and as true as that is, at the same time, that’s high school me?

I told boy, I enjoy his list as well.

Fight club Brad Pitt, Fight Club Ed Norton, Romper Stomper Russel Crowe, Trainspotting Ewan Mcgregor, and Cillian Murphy in 28 days later.


We added an adult John Cusack, probably from High Fidelity, but he likes Serendipity, which I need to watch again, American History X Ed Norton, and Ryan Reynolds in anything but a shirt. haha.

I’d have to go with Amityville Horror Ryan though. He said Smokin Aces Ryan, but If we’re gonna go with smokin aces, I like the brothers in their goggles.


There is something wrong with me isn’t there…?

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really? [Dec. 12th, 2009|10:56 pm]

so I just finished watching ‘confessions of a shopaholic’. it was really good, it’s just surprising how much it’s fucking killing me right now.


i mean. i’m super stressed about how much money in debt i am, how i can’t afford to pay for any of it, cause, i don’t have a job. but i’m not having such an easy time with it. i still have to pay rent, and i haven’t been able to lie my way into a new job either. and i have a car payment that’s about to be due. i have nothing worth selling. except my laptop. i’m thinking about selling my laptop actually. if someone is willing to pay me what i payed for it. since its only 2 months old. i could at least pay this months bills. it was nice while it lasted. right? (p.s. its a dell inspiron 17” with all the bells and whistles so for $1400, it’s yours, including a case thingy, software and a mouse)


and then the movie ends with a fucking wedding and more lovey dovey bullshit piled on top of it.

so i can relate to it, but i don’t have any coincidental, funny, ironic, easy answers. so i feel even more crushed.


so now i’m watching bolt. cause maybe it will take the knot of anxiety down a bit.

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everything is going to be ok, right? [Dec. 12th, 2009|02:39 pm]

Everything is shit. It’s becoming so hard to stay any sort of positive. I don’t have a job, and it’s my own damn fault. I did something stupid and now I don’t have a job. I had an awesome job, even if it was boring. I’ve been sending out applications, and resumes for 3 months now. At least 40 places. I’ve been on a number of interviews. All but one went well. But didn’t result in a job. One I was just so stressed and scattered about, that I just.. fail. My mind went blank pretty much after every question she asked, and it was really a waste of time for her, so no surprise when I got an email the same day saying they were going to interview other people. The best thing that has happened so far is that I kinda have a job with UPS. It’s seasonal temporary work. All I had to do was show up, lol.

Awesome right? I haven’t started yet. UGHSLDJLKJDJlj Went Wednesday to my appointment, which was a group narrowing down session, went the next day to training, which was 3 hours of how to defend yourself from a dog. lol. They didn’t need anyone and no one called today, so they said we should hear from them Monday, but if I don’t, I’m fucked. I mean, the money isn’t enough anyway, but it’s something. I might have an interview on Wednesday too. For the company I bombed the interview with, so it must be with someone else. Or at least I hope so. Trying to keep my fingers crossed, and positive. Even as far behind as I’m falling.


So there’s that. And then there’s boy. He. Is makin me crazy. I don’t know what is going on. Everytime things go smooth for a few days, I fuck it up. We’ll hang out, and it will be great. We’ll talk and joke, and usually just watch a movie, and have something to eat. Since, that’s kinda what we do. And that’s fine. I enjoy it. But. I want more? I want affection. I want to feel loved. I want a kiss when I lean for one, and to not be worried that I’m going to get rejected for it. I want to have an arm around me when I lay next to him, or when my head is on his chest. When I say I miss you, I wanna hear it back. I miss the affection part. The part where we have sex instead of fuck.  So I feel stupid for being around, I feel stupid for expecting anything to change, and I end up saying something to try and figure out what is going on, and we end up pretty much breaking up every time. Which, is not what I want at all, and it seems that he wants to work it out too, but neither one of us knows how to fix it.

I feel like he is so closed off, and won’t talk to me, which makes me wanna scream. If you feel the need to not tell me something, or give me one word answers about anything I try to talk to you about, why? why? the fuck would I bother? what’s the point? either you’re hiding something, or, you’re hiding something. i mean really? it might not even be anything worth hiding, but it’s something. or you think I’m going to react somehow that you wouldn’t like. hey guess what, I’m probably not going to react how you think. I haven’t so far, have I? I’ve been an adult, and I’ve been open and honest.

I haven’t even started yelling yet. I’m obviously not the same person I used to be. Maybe I should. Just start screaming next time. Not think at all about what I’m about to say, and just start shouting nonsense. It’s probably the only thing I haven’t tried at this point. Screaming and throwing things.

The closest I got to any type of explanation was today. He finally told me, to make it really short, feels like shit, because he thinks he should, but he feels even more like shit because he’s not upset enough.

Strangely enough, I’ve been there. And I realized I’m about as apathetic as I can be when it comes to things I’ve done to other people. (Fuck you. BTW ) So if that’s really what’s getting to him, then.. really?  All this, for that?

The only part of the conversation that blew my mind, and did actually tweak pangs of anger, was he said that he felt bad because he has spent so much time with kate, that she is jealous of him hanging out with me. Now. being a text message, some part of that may have been lost in translation, but thats word for word. soooo.. yeah. To which I say. YEAH? (I can have her killed too.)

That makes about as much sense as if I had been hanging out with Danielle a lot, and I got pissed because she wanted to hang out with Wade, and for her to be like.. oh god, I’m upsetting her by hanging out with someone else. Even if it is ya know, just my fiancé.

If that’s really the case, then that’s an issue. But hey, you didn’t give a shit when I was upset because you were with her constantly. And not there for me. That didn’t seem to faze you at all, you actually got really shitty with me about it.

I understand about why he feels bad about lori. That at least makes sense. He managed to let her think they were together, which led to her kid thinking so, and now she wont talk to him.. So that means they hung out, and had sex. And her being a girl, thought it meant more than it did. That’s what we do. To which I say, thanks for breaking up with me first. She started all of this fucking bullshit, and If i ever meet her, she better watch her fucking kneecaps.



So. Yes. Now that I ranted about it, thought about it a little, I AM PISSED AT YOU.



And yet. It really wouldn’t take much for you to change that. Not much at all. After all of this bullshit, I still want to be with you, I’m still ready to burn the world with you. You’re all I think about.. We may not give a shit about any one or anything, but we did about each other, and we did it together.

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windows live writer [Nov. 24th, 2009|10:30 pm]

i just noticed this application on my laptop. so i’m checking it out..


i got a phone call today, and i thought i had a job and then i got an email saying i didn’t. womp womp.

i still have an interview with someone else tomorrow though. hopefully i can wow them with my awesomeness..

i probably wont hear anything until monday though, regardless, since it’s a holiday week.

thanksgiving today at danielles. vegan om nom noms that i stuffed myself with. ugh. it was worth it.

tomorrow night i’m going to the movies with boy to see boondock saints 2. so i’m pretty excited about that too.


my tummy is so full.

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ugh [Nov. 20th, 2009|11:07 pm]
i'm so frustrated. i feel like i'm waiting for you to fall in love with me again.

is that what i'm doing?
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to do - remember [Sep. 15th, 2009|12:32 pm]
  • gas
  • laundry
  • unpack
  • phone bill
  • car insurance
  • car payment
  • grocery shop
  • corridor w/ wade & danielle - wed
  • housewarming party - fri
    • money for howl at the moon - sat
    • money for suspendDC - sun
    • money for kmdm - wed
    • make travel arrangements for elesia for kmfdm
  • pack up from moms house

  • work pants
  • button up shirts
  • shelves
  • liners
  • move tv out - sell?
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(no subject) [Aug. 24th, 2009|10:33 pm]
With lofty feelings, she is full of tenderness, sentimentality. Things do not always go her way. A meeting with a person who is either not free, too young or from a different family or social background means that living together will be done in the utmost secrecy while waiting for the chance to legalize the situation quietly, without any trouble. This state of affairs will make her melancholy. A lovely little family will result from this union.

oh what the hell. the stars said it was so. and we did have a lovely little family. so what happened?!!! where does it say, he will up and change his fucking mind?
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